Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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