good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
