shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
