just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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