I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
