smell my finger.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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