She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
