hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
