I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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