He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
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No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
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Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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