i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
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Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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