Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
birth control should be required to get into college
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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