Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
