I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
