she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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