I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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