I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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