it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
