If i come over, it means nothing
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
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