"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There's always time for handjobs
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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