I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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