when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
