She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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