had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
