I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
