I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
