I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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