i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
