i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
