Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
