sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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