??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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