Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
