Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
