So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Houston, we have a squirter
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
