When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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