I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
