WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
