I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
