No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
