Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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