That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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