I just pynch a tree in the face
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
