i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
