Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
