please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
