My underwear smells like fireworks.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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