Who did Billy Mays play for?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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