Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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