There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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