i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
