Apparently you make a good broom.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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