so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
