Four minutes until I can fart!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
