i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
