Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Randomize
