I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
