haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
